It’s been a rough few days. I’m tired of spending the first few hours of every day picking nits out of hair. (I’m writing this on Monday, pretending it’s Saturday for continuity’s sake, but my fatigue and attitude are most definitely inclusive of Sunday and Monday morning).

This afternoon (Saturday) we went to Nordstrom so I could buy a new bra. They still have the same bra I bought two two years go. Today, I bought one in the exact same size. Sigh. I know that the last two years of Health Group haven’t been a complete waste, but at this precise moment, it feels like they have.

The same size.

I’m always the same size.

It never changes, no matter what I do.

(The last two statements aren’t technically true, but it’s how I feel).

Now, I know that years ago, after the massive and rapid weight gain, but before the perpetual yet insufficient efforts to change, I was SO much worse off that I am now. I had no energy. No self esteem. And I couldn’t take a casual walk around the corner of the block from our apartment to church without being seriously winded.

(We’re not talking far, here. It was extremely pathetic).

I played softball a few weeks ago and didn’t die. It actually felt good. This is huge. This is worth it. I am healthier than I would have been if I hadn’t continued Health Group.

Why do I feel like such a loser?

The same size. The same bra.

I don’t think I have the heart to focus on weight loss for a little while, but I’m going to continue to try to be good to my body. To exercise it and make sure it gets the nutrients it needs. I may eat more calories than I should at times, but thanks to what I’ve learned from Calorie King, I can make sure that I at least give my body enough, and consistently.

Sorry if I’m sounding like a downer. I don’t think this resignation will last long, but it’s how I feel right now, and I’m indulging it.

Same size. Same bra.

Two.

Years.

Later.