It’s beautiful.
I know that model shots are always more appreciated, though I’ll have you know that I’m feeling very puffy today.
And it seems ironic to resort to photographing a gorgeous silk stole in a bathroom, but it’s what I can do.
And the grand finale…
Nothing like taking a bunch of pictures of myself to make me want to drink more water and exercise again.
Back when I was thin and thought I was fat, I hated my face. My cheeks, specifically. When I smile, they puff up huge and push my eyes into little slits. I thought I had the fattest face ever. Then, back when Lindsay Lohan was a new and upcoming star, I saw her picture on a magazine and it said something about her desirable “apple” cheeks. I looked at them for a long time, amazed that they looked exactly like my cheeks, and here they were, being talked about as if they were a physical feature to envy. I was incredulous, not arguing that she looked great in the photo, and then I realized something.
Anything can be beautiful. Everything is beautiful. It’s all a matter of context and attitude.
Ok, this is turning out to be a very long, only mildly coherent post about body issues.
Nate and I were talking last night about clothing design, and dressing to flatter different body types, and how difficult it is to buy clothes “off the rack” when your body isn’t.
As a teenager, I was between 150 and 155 pounds, a D cup, and 5’9. I thought I was a cow. It’s true that I wasn’t a ribby teen. I hadn’t been “skinny” since I started developing at age 10. I was voluptuous. I was curvy. I was gorgeous and had no freaking idea.
I couldn’t find clothes that fit me outside of jeans and t-shirts, and the t-shirts looked bad because they all had small, round necks. Small necked shirts don’t flatter a large chest but at the time, I couldn’t recognize why I looked bad, just that I did. I tried sewing for myself, but those didn’t fit right, either. I learned a decade later that sewing patterns are written for B cups, and have to be altered.
It would have been really nice to know that as a 17 year old.
So in the end, I bought all of my clothes in the Tiger Shop, which is a teenage boys clothing store. Once I gained weight, I had no idea where to buy clothes. But that’s a different story.
One of my daughters is developing a physical feature that she may come to view like I saw my cheeks. She may hate it. A lot of people do. I think she’s lovely, as are other women with the same feature that know how to use it. (I’m only being cryptic in case one of my daughters reads this. I have no desire to give them body issues. As of now, they’re blissfully unaware).
Anyway, my journey through obesity has been a tremendous learning experience. I’ve grown as an individual, looked deeper into myself to find worth and value, and discovered an entirely new ideal behind the term “beautiful”.
This being said, I continue to think I’ve learned enough and want to be thin again, now that I can actually appreciate it and respect my body for what it is instead of wanting what I can never possibly be.
In high school, it was my 6 foot tall, huge-haired redheaded friend that had a thin, boyish figure and weighed 130 pounds. She was gorgeous, too. But I will never, ever be that. And I don’t have to be.
It is so freeing to know that.
July 19th, 2007 at 2:07 pm
I couldn’t agree more.
Both you and your shawl are so beautiful. I love that color on you, as well!!
July 19th, 2007 at 2:25 pm
Absolutely *gorgeous* stole! And it looks lovely on you!
Isn’t that always the case that we hate things that others find attractive? I always hated my curly hair and the fact that I was curvy. I thought I was fat when I was a size 4-6 just because I have hips. :sigh: Now I realize that if you feel good about who you are, it doesn’t matter. (Which is a good thing, because I haven’t been *that* size for awhile!) You are so very right. 🙂
July 19th, 2007 at 2:34 pm
your stole is absolutely beautiful. and i love your post about body image, and i love that you took the time to write about it, it is definitely something that i have struggeled with for a long time and something i hope that i don’t pass on to my children.
July 19th, 2007 at 3:15 pm
Very well said indeed. It’s another…I wish I knew then what I know now moments. Oh well. Live and learn. That’s what it’s all about.
Now…about that stole. Wowwee!!! It’s purdy!!! I love it. And it looks great on you.
July 19th, 2007 at 3:20 pm
Gorgeous… the stole is gorgeous!! At 40, I am also struggling with body image – trying to learn to grow older gracefully is my goal.. to find the beauty in the laugh lines and sun damage and hope it shows a life well lived and enjoyed.
July 19th, 2007 at 6:36 pm
You go, girl! Both you and the stole are looking good. 🙂
July 20th, 2007 at 3:34 am
I have been reading your blog for sometime and enjoy watching your family grow up.
Stop worrying about your weight girl.You carry it well and look great!
This is my first comment but couldn’t resist.
July 20th, 2007 at 5:22 am
You and the stole–both amazing! I loved your post. I am struggling right now regarding the models for my book–I want to include a bunch of ages and body types–and that’s not apparently acceptable. It’s a mess, and all I hear, again and again from knitters, is some version of what I read in your post. Thank you for celebrating everybody’s beauty, including your own!
July 20th, 2007 at 11:08 am
Gorgeous stole, and even more gorgeous model and words!
July 20th, 2007 at 12:01 pm
The stole is lovely, and you don’t look puffy at all. 🙂
I recognize myself from your story. When I was a teen I thought I was huge and ugly. Now when I look at pictures from 15 years back I can see I was curvy more than obese. Yes, I was overweight, but nothing compared to what I am now. I think I was actually quite pretty. It’s just so hard to see that when you’re 16 and not one pair of jeans from the store for people your own age fits.
July 20th, 2007 at 1:38 pm
The stole is gorgeous, and so are you!!! I was also early to “develop” and thought I was totally fat all the way through middle and high school. (I’m sure part of that was thanks to my boy cousins who were such jerks to me when we were kids…) Anyway, although I had a poor sense of how I looked, I at least had a pretty good self-esteem because of how my parents encouraged my talents and ability to learn. When I look at photos from that time, I wish I could tell myself so many things… But I’ll have to settle for appreciating the body I have now, and appreciating it even more when I reach my weight-loss goals. 🙂
July 20th, 2007 at 4:16 pm
I know exactly what you mean about not appreciating some of your features when you are younger. You look great and you knitting is utterly gorgeous! Hurrah for being healthy–that’s what it is about, as you noted in your blog.
July 20th, 2007 at 6:34 pm
Wow – your stole is SOOOOOOOO beautiful! did you end up using only two skeins? I’ve been eyeing some sea silk myself, and think it’s a fabulous project!
I liked your discussion on body issues too. I think we all don’t appreciate our younger selves until the time is past, and I’m glad we can appreciate ourselves as we ARE even if we are making improvements as we go along. I hope you’ll bring the stole to the next knitting get together so we can oooh and aah in person!
July 20th, 2007 at 9:46 pm
Wow! Gorgeous! That would take me years to do… without three sewing girls and an almost-toddler!!
And, Laura, I really admire you for being the person you are. I think you’re lovely (mixed with purple-ends cute and in some photos gorgeous). I hope the scorecard isn’t now vs. high school — I’ll never win. Not to mention that I’ve lived and learned a lot since then — I hope that counts for something. I think *you* and your husband and your adorable family, and your community/church, and your house, and *especially* that bathroom are something to behold. 🙂 There is a LOT to admire, there.
July 20th, 2007 at 10:48 pm
STUNNING!
July 21st, 2007 at 6:19 am
The stole is just beautiful. Nice work! I think you look fantastic!
July 23rd, 2007 at 9:29 am
Your stole is gorgeous! It looks marvellous on you. Body issues; I think we all have them no matter what shape or size we are. Good thing we can seek perfection in what we create with our hands because it just doesn’t exist in our bodies. Love the skin you’re in.
July 24th, 2007 at 9:50 am
This is a wonderful post on body image. I, too am struggling with weight and would like to lose about 100 pounds. I am reading “Body Clutter” but the FlyLady, and in the beginning of the book, she states that even though you hate it, your fat must be doing *something* for us or we wouldn’t cling to it like we do. I think that somewhere in the back of my mind I knew that, but seeing it on the page really made me start to think about it. Now that I’m 45, I’m more focused on health than appearance, and I’m finally questioning why I’ve hung on to this fat all these years. Since my birthday in March I’ve lost about 10 pounds, and I want to keep going.